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Me quest for a wife
By Margaret Bradley 

I’m the ouldest of seven from this mountainside home
Ach, but the rest of thems married and I’m here on me own
Times once were good up here on this hill
Now there's nothing but loneliness of which I’ve had me fill.
So I thought long and hard and a plan I did hatch
For although I’m not young sure I'm still a fair catch;
I could stay here alone for the rest of me life
Or go out and about and get me a wife.
Now I knew all the lassies; kept a few in me mind
Some of them with money and good looks of a kind
I’d go into the town them for to see
And find out if wan of them would come home wey me.

So next moming I rose and I dressed in me best
Put on me tweed suit o'er me grey woollen vest
Took up the ould horse and loaded the cart
Sure if I'm going down a courting I'll take me turf to the mart
I went first to Kate Reilly, the pub owner's lass
I needed some courage so I emptied me glass
To her da I stood up to start on the talking
The customers stood waitin’, mouths open and gawking
I toul him how Kate was first on me list
He didn't open hes mouth: just spoke wey hes fist
Well the floor it did shoot from under me feet
And he lifted me up and threw me into the street
&lsduo;I’d rather me daughter would stay on the shelf
Than marry a drunken ould sod like yerself!&rsduo;

So next I called on the widow Lizzie Me Coo
She runs the post office and sure has a fair bob or two
On her daughter Elsie, I had me eye
She'd get the lot when the ould doll would die.
But ould Lizzie now sure she's still as strong as an ox
Could be a fair ould time til she'd need a box
Then just like that the idea came into my head
I’d be better off courting oul Lizzie instead.
Now her shop as usual was fair crowded out
So from the back of them all I had tay shout
“I’m looking for a woman to warm up me bed,
By your beauty Lizzie to your door I was led!”
“Let me at him,” she cried, as she pushed through the room
Then she swung off me head with the shaft of her broom
“You come in here, your face ingrained in wey soot
Spouting yer filth – yer a dirity oul brute!”
I ran out of the door with me head all dazed
I’d want more tay see so I couldn’t stay fazed

The undertaker's girl I kept to the last
With the mart closing soon sure I had to act fast
I asked her da if she could me mine
As there wouldn't be many to her take a shine
For only the brave on her would call,  it was said
While her family made their living from burying the dead.
He roared and shouted and flew at me real quick
Whackin and beatin me wey hes blackthorn stick
"It’s in a wooden suit I'll lay you, down
If you don't get to hell away of my ground!”
Well so much now for me getting a wife
This whole days looking caused me nothing but strife
I'm black and blue from me head to me foot
And to finish me off sure the ould mart was shut.
So I got back on me cart with me head hung low
Then back to the hills on me own I did go
Ach I’m tired now and just want te sleep
And as for a woman - Och well - sure maybe
I’ll try again next week!